October 5th, 2011
Here’s how our enjoyably trashy little symphony of a chat recital went:
Hey, Kathy. You’re going to Carnegie Hall!One blowjob at a time. Is that the saying, or did I get it wrong? I fucking love Carnegie Hall because the acoustics are amazing.
You’ll sing? Yeah, I’ll do operatic arias in between dick jokes. [laughs] Anyway, this is a treat for me. I almost never get to see other comedians.
What if they’re stealing your material?I’ll cut them.
Do you steal? I don’t think anyone else can have the story of confronting Michele Bachmannon an escalator and asking whether she was born a bigot or grew into it. Her response was that she was going to think about it. She thought it was a good question!
At least she didn’t start screaming. At a White House Correspondents’ Dinner, that would so not look good.
Do you ever feel bad about stuff you’ve said? I don’t. All the time. I can’t stop myself. Unfortunately, I have self-diagnosed Tourette syndrome.
Are you self-medicated as well? No, but that’s a good idea. I should walk into CVS and say, “I have self-diagnosed Tourette’s.”
Maybe that’s what Paula Abdul does. At the Emmys, she ran from me on the red carpet! I was happy to see her upright. I tried to talk to her and said, “I’m more excited about your show The X Factor than you are.” She looked like she had no idea what I was talking about! But I get excited about seeing legends. I saw Edie Falco and said, “Are you going to the parties?” She said, “I’m going to bed.” You’re freaking Nurse Jackie and Carmela Soprano!
Yeah, but she lost. Speaking of bedroom action, are you good at it? I’m awesome. I fucking love it.
Are you a porn star? I’m not a porn star. I don’t have crazy skills or do wild shit. I’m a simple dirty girl who loves a good steak, a good fuck, and to make people laugh.
In that order? Number one is to make people laugh. Then a good steak, then a good fuck. Interview any famous conductor at Carnegie Hall, and they’d say the same thing. They’d like a good pointer or some good sheet music and a good fuck.
And a steak with a wedge of iceberg and creamed spinach. That’s a classic meal.If you’re getting executed on death row.
Speaking of which, were you really in the 1991 horror classic The Unborn?Yes. That was Lisa Kudrow‘s old nose, hair, and boobs, and my old face. That was two faces ago.
Can you look at it? Not with any dignity, no.
It says on Wikipedia that that was your first. I mean your first film, not face.Might as well throw in the “first face”!
Do you ever miss being an actress rather than doing stand-up as yourself? Michael, how can you say that to me when I was on a super special Law & Order: SVU—or as my mother calls it, SUV.
I know. You played a lesbian activist. That’s also on Wikipedia. I don’t watch much TV. You don’t watch Logo’s A-List?
That’s not for gays. Michele Bachmann probably watches it. You must watch Drop Dead Diva.
Nope. You’re not even gay! You’re just gay to get more assignments! I’ll talk to the council. Did you ever win a GLAAD award?
No way. That’s bullshit!
But I think you have to apply and pay a $35 fee. Fuck that. You can go out and splurge with that.
Will you win an Emmy for Glee? No, because it was a small part.
But Ellen Burstyn won for saying two words. In that case, yes. I went to the Emmys withKristin Chenoweth, and she lost for Glee, and I lost. The bitter pill was that Gwyneth Paltrow won, and she wasn’t even there, and we had to witness an assistant boxing up her Emmy and carrying it out, half-assed. I wanted to rip her fucking hair out. Do you follow me on Twitter? I tweeted about how I went to Cher‘s, and we watched Dancing with the Stars and my Pants Off special in bed.
I am so jealous. Is she happy she has a straight son? Cher’s been rolling along with the cart—she’s rolled with straight daughter, gay daughter, transgender. I said, “I want to get a pizza,” and she said: “I don’t know how to order a pizza. I’m Cher!” If you could have seen the two of us, it was so fucking Lucy and Ethel. A pizza man in Malibu got a call from my assistant—”We need one large pizza with pepperoni, and it’s for Cher and Kathy Griffin.” We had to pull it out of the box and put it on the table. We’re too famous for that!
Gwynnie probably had to do that with her Emmy. Anyway, what will Anderson Cooper reveal in November? There are rumors. [sternly] I don’t know, Michael. Why don’t you call him?
And with that, I politely hung up and went about my next Verizon adventure. See you, Kathy! Let’s go out for steak.